I am NOT a Terrorist!

I have been on that list for years. The one that the government watches because they suspect you are a terrorist and let me tell you, it's a pain in the ass. You are probably wondering how I got on this list - I'd sure like to know, too. I assume it's because I have a very common name. There is probably some broad named Mary Jane Kelly who was a member of the IRA or something. This bitch is making my life miserable.

Whenever I try to fly anywhere they take my driver's license and make disturbing faces and then take the phone and go around the corner so I can't hear them. Like I don't know they are calling some federal office somewhere and whispering about me. They act like I'm actually dangerous. It's annoying. They treat me like a criminal. I am a middle aged, tax paying, law abiding citizen. I am NOT a terrorist!

A few years ago a clerk at some airline I don't remember gave me a form from some governmental agency. With a knowing nod, she told me to fill this out and mail it to DC and it would take care of all of my problems. Silly bitch. Was she ever misinformed.

I filled out the form, had THREE forms of ID notarized and sent it in. Even though my Title Rep, Rita, explained to me that a signature gets notarized, not a document. So I wrote 'this is a true and exact copy of the original' on each copy and signed it. Rita notarized all three of them and I dutifully sent it all to DC.

After many weeks (this is the Federal Government we are talking about, remember?) I got a letter back that basically said 'we got your stuff and you are still on the list' WTF? That was a total waste of time, notary ink and a stamp. Sheesh. Apparently once you are on this dreaded list, you are on it for life.

Northwest is the only airline that doesn't hassle me. I am a frequent flier with them - not that twice a year is frequent, but I digress. They will let me print my boarding pass at home and treat me like a non-criminal. I used to think being a frequent flier was the magic bullet. Not so. Southwest still treats me like dirt and I'm a card carrying member of their group. Last time I flew Southwest I tried to check in at the computer using my credit card. It wouldn't let me do it and told me to see an agent. I tried to explain this to the agent and she ripped my Visa out of my hand and swiped it into the machine before I could finish my sentence. Like I'm so damned stupid I didn't already try that. Then when it didn't work she sighed and said I was supposed to wait in THAT line, but she would help me anyway. Bee-otch.

There has got to be a better way to keep our country safe than to hassle law-abiding citizens. Okay, I have had a couple of speeding tickets, but that doesn't make me a terrorist.

Phew!

I am happy to report that I'm going to around for a while longer. I had my further tests this morning and the doc assured me that my symptoms were "totally normal". I'm just glad I didn't have to wait until next week to find out. Thanks for all of the kind words given to me in the past week. I kept saying "I'm going to be fine" and I am. Thank God.

Don't Try This at Home....

You know when they do wacky and dangerous stuff on TV they always say "Don't try this at home". Well, here's a new one for you.

If you find something weird or different about your body just before bed, leave it alone. When you wake up at 1:30 and cannot sleep DO NOT fire up your computer and go to the online Merck Manual or google your symptoms. The reason I know not to do this is that one night last week I was convinced I had cancer. Suffice to say I stayed up all night wondering about things like how chemotherapy REALLY works, what I might look like bald and what the hell my hair would look like when it grew back. Not exactly sleep-inducing thoughts.

I called my doctor the next morning and got an appointment with her Physician's Assistant, Barbara, who is great. I sheepishly told Barbara what I did and she said "Stay off the internet, you'll scare the crap out of yourself". Yeah, no shit, Barb, too late!

Barbara sent me for more tests and I'm certain I'll be fine. Don't worry about me, but save yourself, if you must look at your symptoms on the internet, do it first thing in the morning.

Flip Flop Nation, part II

Well, after my previous rant, Wa and I went to a salon today and I got a pedicure. She got a manicure. It wasn't as bad as I thought, not as ticklish, but somewhat so. I have an aversion to being tickled, probably because when I was a kid my sisters thought it was great fun to tickle me until I wet my pants. Ugh, what torture. Beans and KA, I forgive you and love you both.

While I was having my feet done I looked two chairs down and saw this woman with the most hideous feet, getting a pedicure. Her feet were 100 times nastier than the woman in my previous post. When we were done Wa and I went to the grocery store. I asked her if she saw that woman in the other chair's feet. She said "Mom, that was a man". I said "Nuh uh!" She said "Yeah, the adam's apple was a dead giveway". Sheesh, I thought she was just a old hippy with nasty feet. Wa says, nope. Honestly, from the angle I was sitting I didn't get a good look at her. Wa did. She said she would look at me and think "Mom", then look over and think "Tranny". It was SO funny.

So now with bubble gum pink toes and a new outlook on pedicures, I will go again. My feet aren't cute, but better than passable.

Teen Speak

I was recently told I am too old to use teen speak. I don’t know what else to call the lingo that young people use today. I think I used the word “hella” in a sentence. Hella is a great word, which Laura contends is “NorCal”. I don’t think it is, as the first time I heard the word was on South Park, which is set in Colorado. I think a lot of people use the word. Just ask Eric Cartman….. (use Cartman voice here) “hella, hella, hella”. It cracks me up. Yeah, I know I’m juvenile. There are worse things I could be than juvenile.

I am interested in words and communication, therefore teen speak amuses me. A few months ago, I invited Laura’s then-boyfriend to dinner, where I was making lasagna. He replied “Dude, that shit’s hella bomb”. I knew that in adult speak that meant, “Laura, your mom makes great lasagna”. The funny thing is, I knew exactly what he meant and was complimented rather than offended. I mean, he technically did call my dinner “shit”. It was funny.

Laura and her friends preface just about every comment with “Dude!”. I’m probably too old to use “dude”, too.

I guess I’m just old. Hella old.

Flip Flop Nation

We have turned into a flip flop wearing country. When did this happen? When I was a kid we called them “beach walkers”, meaning, they were beach wear. My Dad called them “go aheads” because he contended (and still does) you cannot walk backwards in them. Anyway, they were pool or beach wear.

Nowadays, people seem to think it’s okay to wear them everywhere. Church, a funeral, the White House, for crying out loud. In 2005 Northwestern University’s champion lacrosse team was invited to the White House. These young women were photographed with President Bush and most of them were wearing flip flops. C’mon people, have some respect. Okay, I know a lot of people have no respect for W, but have some respect for the office and the building.

When I was in high school, there was a popular flip flop that was Japanese-style. The top part looked like a tatami mat and the straps and trim were of a velvet like material. Popular colors for the trim were navy and burgundy. I’m ashamed to say we called them “Jap Flaps”. In my defense, it was the 70s and we were not so PC as we are now, and even my Japanese-American friends called them that.

I think flip flops should stay with kids and teenagers or at the beach or pool. Some people should just not be allowed to wear them (or any sandal) in public. I have seen some gnarly feet in sandals and I think it’s gross. Jagged, long, dirty nails – cracked, dirty heels. Get a pedicure – try some pumice. Put some shoes on for God’s sake. Who the hell wants to look at that?

Maybe I am not one to throw stones. Laura is appalled that I have never had a pedicure. I just don’t like anyone touching my feet. I used to think my feet were ugly, but I guess they are passable. They are clean, don’t smell and I pumice and clip my nails. God, I can’t believe I’m writing about this.

I saw a woman last week in flip flops. She was well dressed and had taken the time and expense to have a pedicure. But, GOD she had the ugliest feet. Here were her perfectly painted nails in fire engine red on these gnarly, misshapen, ugly feet. The red polish was screaming "look at me!" Maybe a subtle pink would've been better.

Please, America. Put some shoes on.

Everyone loves Lucy

In my adult life I've had big dogs. A 125 lb German Shepherd, Lancer, was my guardian and a great all around dog. Yeah, he was a little weird. He was a police dog school dropout. He got a little weird - a bit over protective of me. Like the time the UPS guy came and Lancer went nuts and bit the tires on the truck. The poor driver was honking the horn in the driveway saying 'lady, get this crazy dog away from me'. Lancer was an imposing dog. He was big and scary looking to outsiders, but to me he was a pussycat. He was my protector in many ways, which I won't go into here. I loved that dog. He died when I was pregnant with Kristen and I was heartbroken.
Olsen was a black lab - another great dog. My first husband got him when we were dating. He was a great dog with the girls when they were little. Not very protective, but safe to have around little ones, which Lancer probably would not have been. Olsen would lay on his back on the floor and toddler Kristen would lay on him and hug him around the neck. Olsen tolerated her toddler self with humor and was a great companion.
Flash forward 15 or so years. I have been dog-less by choice. Living in a condo and Pat and I had pretty much decided we were okay without a dog. Circumstances led us to start thinking about a dog and doing some research into what type of dog we might get. Kristen, Laura and I were watching a dog show and looking at different breeds. I wanted a small dog, but not a hairy one. We liked the look of the Boston Terrier. I did some research and figured this would be a good condo dog. Were we ever right!
I found a pure bred Boston who was bred to be a show dog, but she was for sale as a pet because she would be too big to show. Laura and I went to look at her on a Sunday. Wa fell in love and kept telling me 'Mom, write the lady a check, I'm not leaving here without this dog'. I did and Laura was right. Lucy is the best dog ever. We all love her so much. She is a great combination of mellow and playful. She is sweet and loving - always happy to see us. When she gets a little condo-bound we take her over to my folks' house and she runs around the yard. If we happen to go out of town and take her with us, my folks are disappointed. They love having their Grand dog with them. She is the best dog ever. This little 20 lb dynamo is truly the best dog. Princess Lucy Rose, we love you!

What happened?

What the hell happened to my body? I guess I have officially hit middle age. Greaaat. When I was younger and sporting a 25 inch waist, my Mom told me when I got to my 40's I'd get 'thick in the middle'. Mom said she never had a small waist, but it just got bigger when middle age set in. I didn't believe her. Stupid girl.
I can deal with the white hair. I found my first one when I turned 21 and my Dad got white early, so that's something I can hang with. Now at 25 to 30% white, my daughter Laura is telling me to let it go. I told her maybe when I'm 50 or become a Grandma. No hurry, Laura or Kristen!
The waist is something else. I've gone back to the gym after being sporadic for a long while. It can't possibly be the wine consumption or the kick ass gourmet meals I make, right?
Mom was right. I'm just getting older. Kicking and screaming all the way.
PS. Mom, at 81, looks great. I hope I look half as good as her when I'm an octogenarian.
PPS. My Mom is always right. I hope I'm half as smart and cool as her when I'm an octogenarian.

Stupid inventions

There have been a lot of dumb things invented over the years. Take the visor. What is that? A hat that's not a hat? You want to shield your face from the sun - so wear a hat. Visors are stupid. You put it on to get the sun out of your face, you still have 'hat hair' and your part gets sunburned. Or if you're a guy who's follically challenged, your monkey butt gets burned. Great invention. Not.

What the heck!

I decided I might want to start a blog, then figured, who the heck would want to read it? Then I figured, who the heck cares? Sometimes I want to rant about something, contemplate or just write. So here goes. If you want to read my musings, great. If not, that's great, too. Now what? I guess I'll figure it out.