I am NOT a Terrorist!

I have been on that list for years. The one that the government watches because they suspect you are a terrorist and let me tell you, it's a pain in the ass. You are probably wondering how I got on this list - I'd sure like to know, too. I assume it's because I have a very common name. There is probably some broad named Mary Jane Kelly who was a member of the IRA or something. This bitch is making my life miserable.

Whenever I try to fly anywhere they take my driver's license and make disturbing faces and then take the phone and go around the corner so I can't hear them. Like I don't know they are calling some federal office somewhere and whispering about me. They act like I'm actually dangerous. It's annoying. They treat me like a criminal. I am a middle aged, tax paying, law abiding citizen. I am NOT a terrorist!

A few years ago a clerk at some airline I don't remember gave me a form from some governmental agency. With a knowing nod, she told me to fill this out and mail it to DC and it would take care of all of my problems. Silly bitch. Was she ever misinformed.

I filled out the form, had THREE forms of ID notarized and sent it in. Even though my Title Rep, Rita, explained to me that a signature gets notarized, not a document. So I wrote 'this is a true and exact copy of the original' on each copy and signed it. Rita notarized all three of them and I dutifully sent it all to DC.

After many weeks (this is the Federal Government we are talking about, remember?) I got a letter back that basically said 'we got your stuff and you are still on the list' WTF? That was a total waste of time, notary ink and a stamp. Sheesh. Apparently once you are on this dreaded list, you are on it for life.

Northwest is the only airline that doesn't hassle me. I am a frequent flier with them - not that twice a year is frequent, but I digress. They will let me print my boarding pass at home and treat me like a non-criminal. I used to think being a frequent flier was the magic bullet. Not so. Southwest still treats me like dirt and I'm a card carrying member of their group. Last time I flew Southwest I tried to check in at the computer using my credit card. It wouldn't let me do it and told me to see an agent. I tried to explain this to the agent and she ripped my Visa out of my hand and swiped it into the machine before I could finish my sentence. Like I'm so damned stupid I didn't already try that. Then when it didn't work she sighed and said I was supposed to wait in THAT line, but she would help me anyway. Bee-otch.

There has got to be a better way to keep our country safe than to hassle law-abiding citizens. Okay, I have had a couple of speeding tickets, but that doesn't make me a terrorist.